Tuesday, September 21, 2010

How to kick someone’s ass

How to start your own Fight Club -Illustrated Virgin

note: this is a reprint of an article of mine that originally ran in outbreak issue #2.
this is not a gag text. if you go and get your ass beat – or worse – kill someone, then that’s your own stupid fault for actually putting what you read in this magazine into practice. you’ve been warned – i won’t take responsibility for any misfortune which might result from you reading this text.

let’s get down to business. someone’s pissed you off in some way, and talking it out just doesn’t work. it’s time to get dirty (or your knuckles bloody). i’m probably no expert in this being that i’ve only been in like 5 fights in my whole life (i’m happy to report though that all of them were real fights – see below).
obviously, the first step is to attempt to talk your way out of the situation that requires someone’s ass getting kicked – preferably someone other than you (unless you’re fighting me, in which case forget everything you read in this text and try bitchslap me). sometimes though, this fails. that’s when we progress to the next level, the ancient martial art of ass kicking.
ass kicking has existed far longer than any of the other martial arts. there is no strict discipline, no belt levels, dans, or anything else. there’s really no breathing control involved either. ass kicking dates back to the caveman days. say there’s two cavemen, and a hot cave-chick.

for simplicity’s sake, i’m going to call the first caveman “caveman 9812378952? and the second caveman will be referred to as “caveman 1982347891?. the cave chick will be referred to as cave-chick, in the interests of detail.

caveman 9812378952 is happily snogging with cave-chick, who just happens to be the lady friend of caveman 1982347891. now here you will notice that ass kicking dates back PRIOR to complex verbal communication languages including that which we call english (you should know something about this if you’re reading this text, unless it got translated into some alien language in which case – ELITE! aliens may probe me my address is 484-… *ahem*).

anyway.. caveman 1982347891 tries to talk the problem out – which for caveman consists of a simple “ugh”. this is caveman talk for “what the fuck are you doing with my woman you delapidated mammoth foreskin?”, to which caveman 9812378952 replies “unga bunga”. this is a simple response, something which i estimate will translate roughly to “can’t you see i’m about to start bangin her like a flint rock?”.

obviously this is not the response that caveman 1982347891 was looking for, so he promptly picks up a large rock and smashes caveman 9812378952 in the face with it. cave-chick notices his obvious testicular fortitude and falls madly in love again. she and our happy caveman now feast on the remains of caveman 9812378952.

*Fuck Like a Motherfucking Caveman, and You'll Look Like a Motherfucking Caveman
the obvious point here is that while violence is not necessarily a preferred solution, it is often a speedy way to resolve problems. in this case, the resolution was final. let’s move on and discuss pussy fights and real fights. Take Chuck Norris for example...

Obama declares hi intent to kick somebody’s ass, through determining the specific ass to be kicked may require an executive task force, the aggression for which is unprecidented by his presidential order.

(pussy fights)

never make the mistake of pussy fighting, even for a second. pussy fighting is the act of pushing your opponent with your arms, or chest – often accompanied by repeatitive shouts of “you want some?” or something to that nature. this is silly. firstly, you lose any possible element of surprise (your best friend, see later). secondly, it wastes valuable slugging time. it also usually results in a large crowd gathering prior to any punching occuring, which also speeds in the response of authoritive figures such as teachers at school or police at other public venues.
NEVER pussy fight.

(the element of surprise)
surprise is your best friend, especially in the school yard where most others are well versed in the art of pussy fighting. while they are coming you to you, pushing you with their chest, if you’re tall enough – head butt the cunt! if you’re not, a quick jab up under the nose, up at an angle usually does wonders as an opening move.
the overall idea is: hit first, and make sure you’re the last one hitting. preferably, you’re the only one hitting. when perfected, you need never get hit.
suitably surprising opening moves can include the abovementioned jab and headbutt. with the headbutt, don’t be a hardass and butt heads – it invariably hurts you as much as them. instead, aim to hit just above your brow right smack on top of the nose. obviously causing nose breakage is a huge advantage for you – not only does it sting like fuck but it makes your eyes tear up and your sinuses start to run. three distractions in one!

if your opponent is running at you and you’re NOT retarded enough to try and headbutt them, then try just doing a jump kick to the kneecap. for example if your assailent is running at you with intent to “press and knuckle” (land on you and beat the snot out of you) – at the last minute, jump a small jump and aim to kick at about a foot off the ground, putting all your power into his kneecap. if done correctly, you can twist, sprain, over extend or break the joint. nasty shit, but an amazingly effective fight-stopper.
if you’re – shall we say – “husky” then you could quite conceivably have a good deal of success against smaller assailants with a running elbow. simply hold your right wrist in your left hand, with your elbow out perpendicular to your body. do this at the second last second, and just take like a fast step forward and WHACK take his fuckin head off.

(following through)

Hoosier Daddy?
once you have gained the upper hand from the opening, it’s important not to lose it. if you can last the entire fight with the upper hand (preferably never letting your oppenent land a punch), then you’re virtually assured the win. if your assailant is on the ground, then use some of those submission moves you learnt on wwf smackdown!. just some hints though, most of them take a little modification to actually work.
for example, unless you have huge biceps like HHH, then kurt angle’s ankle lock is unlikely to do much damage. so try this on your little brother: when they’re on the ground face-down, clutch the ankle in your left elbow against your chest, and press down with your other hand, in an attempt to make their toes touch the front of their shin.

if your opponent is on their back and you have some time, there’s a nifty lil bastard i learnt in judo (the hard way) called the “mongrel hold”. simply climb on the victim, press your knee into the sternum, and pull up on the shoulders. keep pulling up till they squeal like a pig. for added entertainment, start yelling in their face “ima make you squeal like a pig baw”.

(if they don’t go down)

if they don’t go down first go, it’s important to still not lose the upperhand. even if they don’t show it, chances are you took them by surprise (unless they’re like a marine or SAS or something – in which case i can’t help you) anyway. don’t give them a chance to get their bearings. aim for weak points such as the nose, neck, lips (and behind them, teeth) and the solar plexus. use the first two first if possible, as they’ll have markedly more effect than the last two.


if you have the reactions, and someone is trying to punch you, try to grab their arm. if you manage it, you can utilize their momentum and use it against them. for example, for a high punch, grab the arm, turn, squat, then when you feel an impact on your back, push up with your legs and bend over. if someone’s running at you really hard, they can fly quite far (ask my cousin).
for low punches, use a wrestling “irish whip”. simply spin with them, and slingshot them into something like a wall or a car or something. sure, wrestling’s fake, but if you put all your might into an irish whip you can do some real serious damage. the best is when they trip right before they smash into a car door or something.
if someone tries to fly-kick you, try to grab their leg (and not get hit). once you have ahold of a leg, the world is your oyster (in terms of the fight anyway). there’s always the infamous wrestling “dragon screw”. or you can raise the leg and bring your elbow down on the front of the thigh at the same time. or always just raise the leg up and backwards and sweep the other, before promptly applying some sort of submission lock.

(know your opponent’s weaknesses)
13:3 And he gave a sign the same day, saying, This is the sign which the LORD hath spoken; Behold, the altar shall be rent, and the ashes that are upon it shall be poured out.
13:4 And it came to pass, when king Jeroboam heard the saying of the man of God, and he kicked his ass.

it’s important to try and discover the weaknesses of your oponent. this is crucial to if you want to win the fight. for example, if your opponent has a large forhead, buck teeth, and a nose that has several lumps – then any attack to the head probably isn’t going to do much good.
try to figure out what will work and what won’t. if you’re fat, and your opponent is small, chances are they’ll be quicker than you. your surprise attacks are going to have to be VERY crafty to make them work.

(wrestling moves)
now we’ve mentioned quite a few wrestling moves in this text. obviously – wrestling is fake. any moron knows that. some – i repeat SOME – of the moves can be used in real life ass kicking though. but not all. for example, some moves you might want to avoid are:
• the people’s elbow
• the five star frog splash
• shake rattle and roll
• stink faces
among others. use common sense – if it’s a flashy move, it probably won’t do all that much. unless you’re confident in it’s execution, don’t use it.

(foreign objects and weapons)
think very carefully before using foreign objects as weapons. smacking your opponent in the head with a chair could kill him – so like i said, think very carefully.

Thankfully, we can rest assured knowing that these poor fucks will put up no fight when we start eating them, if we run out of livestock, as they'll be weak as kittens.
furthermore, when it comes to chickening out and using knives and shit (pussies do this in my opinion) remember this: if you’re going to carry a knife, be prepared to be stabbed and die. if you’re going to carry a gun, be prepared to get shot.

(getting away with it)

this is probably the most challenging part of all. getting away with it. for example, your opponent is laying in a bloody mess on the floor and the police or some teachers are heading your way in riot gear. how the fuck do you get out of this one?
well you could try ass-kicking your way out of it, but i really don’t like your chances of that one (especially with riot gear in the equation). if it’s the police, you could start laying grounds for an insanity plea by yelling obscenities, barking at onlookers, and trying to lick your ears.
if it’s the teachers, immediately yell “he started it, i finished it!” or even better “he tripped! go get the nurse quick!”. i dunno these are some lame ideas, but i’ve had a rather limited fighting experience and i’ve only ever been caught once and i got my ass beat and didn’t lay a finger on the guy so i didn’t get in trouble.

(repeat WARNING)
this is not a gag text. if you go and get your ass beat – or worse – kill someone, then that’s your own stupid fault for actually putting what you read in this magazine into practice. you’ve been warned – i won’t take responsibility for any misfortune which might result from you reading this text.

Do this and you might get the girl

Thanks to the Hungry Hacker for hacking that